Sunday, December 11, 2016

Pain Bearer

Pain Bearer

I have heard the saying, that people should grin and bear it! “It” referring to the pain, but have you ever suffered so much pain that you physically broke teeth because you bit through the pain. I mean you chomped down through some of the most insufferable pain that doctors think you are not going through, yet they gave you some week pain medication to supposedly help you through a weekend of said pain. I have! I have broken teeth on both sides of my mouth now because of that, but that still is not that worst of the pain.

Let us go back a moment and look at what pain is. Most people look at pain as maybe a stubbed toe, or even sliver in their finger. For me, I have suffered the strokes, severe migraines that have supposedly been strong enough that horse pills are required to control the migraine, all because I needed glasses. However, after these strokes, I have been dealing with pain in my legs that feel like they are breaking the bones in my hips. So severe that I cannot sleep, I cannot walk, or at times, I do not even have an appetite. It actually has me in tears and all I can do is bite down and try to fight of the pain that the doctors claim I do not have because according to their x-rays and MRIs all they see is a little arthritis.

Look, I know arthritis can be painful, but not bone breaking painful. Therefore, I know something more is wrong. I think it is something my family has special about us, we can feel that in our body even when the doctor’s say it is not possible. I find it funny that the doctors keep telling me that the pain I should be complaining about is my spine when the pain that is keeping me up all night and the most killer is my hips. Let me describe this pain the best I can for you. Think about the hip, you have that ball looking tip that is called the femoral head and then the greater and lesser trochanter of the femur, that little space between is what feels like what is breaking to me. Pretty detailed huh? Every single step I take I feel that breaking, laying down, I feel the antagonizing pain, it is around the clock pain, and I just wish it would stop.

However, this is not the worst of my pain. Memory loss has become even more of my pain. I have had to count on my wife to remind me of things because I have literally forgotten things. If I do not have it written down, I forget. I have no memory of my childhood, I look at pictures and I do not recall them, but that is not the worst, the one thing that kills me the worst inside. Recently, I lost my grandmother, I want to cry because I know I have lost a loved one, but when I look at photos of her I draw blanks, I don’t know her. This is real pain, I know I am supposed to know her, I feel a sorrow and hurt, but a compete blank because the person I am looking at does not ring a bell.

There has to be a way to help bring memories back, help with pain, and help people all together. For now, a journal like this hopefully will help, and hopefully help others down the line. 

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